Hello! We’re just taking the chance here to touch base with you about a few things. Here in the corporate world, we like to use phrases like ‘touch base.’ It sort of connects us with the sporting world, which we also make a lot of money from, and some of us also really like to hang out with, or at least near to, sporting types, so long as they’re really rich and successful of course.
‘Touching base’ also marks us out as go-getter types. It means we’re kinetic, we’re goal driven, we like to be pro-active about our targets in an ever changing world.
I have no idea what any of these phrases mean, but I do know that ‘touching base’ is better than ‘checking.’
‘Checking’ implies that we’re worried about something, that we might be the sort of people who inspect the contents of the loo just before we flush, and we’re really not interested in being the type of person who looks back.
And no. Here in the advertising world, we’re definitely not worried about anything. We’re in great form, fine fettle. Why wouldn’t we be? Our profits just went up another 300%. Of course, the huge rise in profits and the challenges of a world that manages to be both wired up and wireless going forward meant that we just had to let a lot of people go (again). That was tough on us, but at least I still have a job, not to mention a salary increase.
I want to touch base with you about a couple of really exciting products we’re rolling down the pipeline at you in the next few months, or once our legal people have touched base that we absolutely can’t be sued, whichever comes first.
As you know, there’s pretty much no area of your life that, thanks to our insatiable desire to touch base and keep you in the loop about all kinds fabulous suites of products, we don’t touch – be it with a base or something else.
We think of all your time and space – every minute you spend from cradle to grave as a semi-conscious component of our sacred marketplace – as being essentially made up of cells of marketing opportunity. We are constantly at work to find exactly the right marketing opportunity to fit each cell of your space, time and consciousness.
We literally think of existence as one enormous Excel spreadsheet. Now, some cells are obviously more fertile than others. The more time you spend lying on our couch, staring at the TV, emitting those lovely alpha waves, the more time you spend downloading pornography on your computer, the more time you spend reading the vacuous non-thoughts of your friends on Facebook, the better it is for us, and for you obviously, because how else are you going to hear about all those lovely products we want to delight you with?
Making sure that your work space is enhanced with all kinds of lovely marketing can be tricky. Obviously, it’s important to us that you go to work in order to keep imagining you can afford the lovely things we want to sell. It’s important that this work is as hard, or at least as time consuming, as possible. Research (we love to do loads and loads of research) has shown that being exhausted and basically unable to think for yourself, but filled with a sense of being vaguely pissed off about something, renders you, our wonderful potential new customer, in the ideal state to hear our very good news about stuff.
Unfortunately, some of the companies who buy your time for ever decreasing amounts of money apparently think that said purchase of time entitles them to control what you see and hear as well. They can be a little hostile to our attempts to augment your cells of work time with exciting product news.
We are still working on this, but it has occurred to us that there are other cells, inside and outside the work experience, that offer ideal opportunities to share the wonderful gift of targeted marketing.
For example, the average person (we just love research about ‘average people’) spends between 20 and 40 minutes of every single day in the bathroom. These times, be they about Number 1s, Number 2s or some other form of ablution, represent cells of absolutely golden marketing opportunity. Who wouldn’t want to hear about some fantastic new toilet brush at the very moment you have committed some new atrocity in there?
We will shortly be rolling out a suite of new waterproof screens for installation in toilet cubicles all over the world. But we’re not stopping there, oh no! What if your bath bubbles could actually talk to you about new all in broadband bundles or hair removers? Wouldn’t that be the nearest thing to Paradise?
Some really clever sciencey type person somewhere is also investigating the possibility of a new intelligent toilet gel which informs you about exciting new products at the very moment you’re sitting above it. Even the action of vigorous defecation will not affect the ability of the gel to keep you fully up to date on everything from plasma screen TVs to boned and rolled ham.
But we’re not stopping there. Indeed, in many ways, we’ve only just begun. Some of our research people recently found that most people spend up to one third of their entire lives asleep. Imagine!
It’s like looking at an Excel sheet where fully one third of the cells can’t have anything added into them. That is one entire third of your life when you are out of contact with the rest of the economy, when you can’t hear about exciting new products or make purchasing decisions for the future.
But never fear: we’re hard at work on this as well. Like a lot of our best ideas, it comes from Hollywood, and we then make Hollywood make other movies about our best ideas. Ever seen Inception?
Imagine you’re having a dream about a field that you (or someone you saw on TV) used to play in as a child. You see the distant hills, the footballs, your newly reanimated childhood dog, who all of a sudden gets up on his hind legs and says ‘try Zagfart cola, for that authentic taste of your (or someone else’s) childhood.’
Excited? We know we are. We’re working on making this service wireless, so you won’t even have to stick a couple of electrodes on your head before entering the sleep cells of your economic activity. We’re on the point of offering our corporate customers a whole suite of product placement opportunities, delivered right there and then to your dream. We will enable our clients to achieve ideal marketing synergy with your sleeping selves.
Our clinical trials of this fantastic new product have been very encouraging: one guy woke right up and bought forty quarter pounders, and only a few people went insane.
We believe there’s no reason why every cell of your time, working or sleeping, can’t be opened up to the fabulous and fabulously profitable benefits of direct marketing. The ability to be connected with the economy at all times, waking or sleeping, is a fundamental human right. We want to keep working with you to keep identifying products to keep making your life even better.
We’ll see you when you close your eyes…