All Hail Monsieur Le Presidente Gump

“Madames et Monsieurs, je vous presente le Presidente nouveau de la Republique: ‘Urr, Hallo. Mah name is Monsieur le Presidente. Yew can call me ‘Monsieur le Presidente.'”

It’s official: the new President of one of the eight most powerful countries in the world is someone no one had ever heard of until a few months ago. Emmanuel Macron’s victory in the weekend’s election is predictably being hailed as a triumph for the entrenched EU establishment by an ever more pliant and distorted mainstream media, but is it not really more a sign of how desperate things have become?

To stop Marine Le Pen, the giant creaking edifice of the west’s political establishment – and that includes media, showbiz, Barack Obama and all the other ephemeral nonsense – threw its full weight behind somebody nobody anywhere really knows anything about.

Macron was the Forrest Gump candidate, the dystopian prediction of the 1979 movie ‘Being There’ made flesh. In Peter Sellers’ finest hour, an illiterate gardener named ‘Chance’ accidentally gains the favour of a dying billionaire and his lonely wife, and simply by dint of failing to offend anyone, is set on course to become the President of America.

Sometimes, somebody somewhere gets very, very lucky. They win the lottery. People do, you know. Sometimes you can be 39 and look barely 25. And you can be in the public eye for such a short time that no one gets around to wondering how young you looked when, as a 15 year old boy, you caught the eye of your 39 year old drama teacher, who later became your wife.

The first good news they’ve had in years, Macron’s victory will be trumpeted by the Brussels oligarchy as an excuse to keep doing exactly what they’ve been doing for the last two decades. Who needs more democracy, they will crow. We just asked the people and look what they said, they agree with us completely.

No matter that EU policy up to now has consisted of walking gingerly around every giant turd on the electoral road – from Spain to Italy to Britain – not even holding their noses because that would imply some acknowledgement that the turd is actually there.

It would be perilously shortsighted to press ahead with economic policies which continue to allow the industrialists and financiers of Germany to wear the people of Europe like a crash helmet, but going on their form up to now, that’s exactly what the Eurocrats will do.

Backtrack a bit, and you realize this is nowhere near the turning point a ludicrously biased media will claim. Marine Le Pen is a figure whose political career has been mired in controversy almost from the moment of her birth. The only figure more divisive than her in a country which – believe it or not – is allergic to extremes, was her dear old Dad.

Not so long ago, the ability of the Fronte Nationale to attract 10% of the vote in a French election was regarded as an utter disaster. This time, they managed to persuade 11 million Frenchmen and women to back them (and a staggering 4 Million others went to the trouble of going to the polls solely in order to spoil their votes). This is anything but a triumph for moderation. It is a dire warning. The tragedy is that the greedy fools who run ‘L’Europe’ will fail to heed it.

In electoral terms, the establishment needed to come up with a figure capable of defeating someone normally as electable as Hitler’s poodle, and they almost didn’t make it. One after another, so called political titans like Hollande, Sarkozy, Manuel Valls and Francois Fillon simply disintegrated.

Think about it: the establishment came to the conclusion that any one of these men would have lost the election to Le Pen. Think about how insane such a calculation would have seemed only three years ago, then think about the times we are in, the times that everyone except the Eurocracy and their godawful media lapdogs knows have changed utterly.

Faced with disaster, it was time to go with the nuclear option: Le Presidente Gump, President Chance. Go for the guy who hasn’t been around long enough for anyone to form a real opinion about. Sure they’ll have plenty of time to start hating him when he’s President, and you never know, maybe we’ll have thought of something different by then.

While very little is known about France’s new President, there are already a couple of details which might cause a small arching of the occasional eyebrow.

His wife is 24 years his senior, and they first caught each other’s eye when she was his drama teacher, and he was the ripe old age of 15. Macron’s parents are said to have moved him to Paris from his home town of Amiens in order to end the relationship, but the couple defied predictions by staying together and eventually marrying in 2007.

Macron has a stepson who is two years his senior. Weird? Well, I know they do things differently in France, but isn’t there something about M. and Mme. Macron’s romantic history which sits uneasily beside the torrid maelstrom that is sexual politics today?

You can’t click on an Internet news site these days without finding a pic of some comely young female teacher who’s just been dismissed and arrested for having sex with a male pupil. The Feminazis will tell you that this is true love, that you’re a rabid misogynistic bastard and that anyway, times were different then.

The fact that the latter is the exact argument used to play down the abuse of women and children in the past will naturally trouble them not a whit.

But the question remains: what if M. Macron had been 39 and Mme. Macron a mere 15 when they met? Would he have stood a snowball’s chance of being elected? Actually, you’d most likely have never heard of him, because he would have been in prison since the mid-1990’s. As things stand, it’s hard to imagine Macron getting to be, say, PM of Britain or President of the US without some pretty awkward questions being asked.

The best man at Macron’s wedding in 2007 was an elderly businessman who had loaned him €550,000 to buy his first apartment in Paris, coincidentally while Macron held a position known as ‘Inspector of Finances,’ so nothing even slightly dodgy there. The new hero of the masses previously served on President Hollande’s Elysee staff and also had a highly paid position as an investment banker with Rothschild & co. Mon Dieu, he’s basically Joan of Arc meets Trotsky.

It’s also proven helpfully difficult to pin down anything he actually believes in, other than, obviously, that ‘racisme’ is bad and the EU, though possibly misguided, is good. He has been described as a ‘Centrist,’ a term often translated by cynics to read: “I will do and say absolutely f***ing anything to get into power, so long, of course, as it offends the least possible amount of people.”

Elsewhere, it has been said that he identifies with the ‘Third Way’ policies espoused by the likes of Tony Blair and Bill Clinton. Sounds harmless enough, if only it hadn’t been proven years ago that ‘Third Way’ is basically code for Thatcherism and cannibalistic neoliberalism with a smiley face sticker on it. The workers and peasants must be necking each other with abandon. No wonder Obama is such a fan.

Personally, I think it’d be great fun if Macron turned out to be a cannibal or a devil worshipping zombie, but there’s one thing I’m pretty sure he isn’t, and that’s a Socialist.

In the meantime however, all hail Monsieur le President. He’s bought the EU another few months or years (depending on how they screw it up), and that’s all he’s really there for, you know.

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