From the world of global media craziness comes news that Sudan, the endangered Northern White Rhino, is looking for a date on Tinder. Yes, as part of an attempt to save the species, the hook up app is trying to show its humane side by helping to raise $9 Million for an in vitro breeding programme.
$9 Million eh? That is one expensive date. It seems bizarrely out of place on Tinder, one of whose selling points is surely the urge to minimize costs by eliminating thorny issues about second dates, dinner, breakfast, moving in or, God forbid, marriage.
There may be sons of Sultans or reigning US Presidents who’ve spent similar amounts on dates, but it’s very unlikely they go on Tinder.
Sudan is 42, which is apparently pretty old for a rhino, and a combination of age and low sperm count mean he has thus far failed to be fruitful with the two female white rhinos who comprise his sort of harem. Being the last of his kind, Sudan is surrounded by armed guards all day and night at his compound in Kenya. Between that and the babes, he sounds a bit like a rapper, though hopefully all the weaponry isn’t putting him off.
You’ve got to love his Tinder profile though, which says things like “I don’t mean to be forward, but the fate of my species depends on me.”
Apparently, if you ‘swipe right’ – which is Tinder speak for ‘yeah, not a total minger,’ or ‘I’m so f*****g bored and desperate I’m about to propose marriage to the table’ – you’ll be taken to links which enable you to donate to the preserving Sudan’s genetic legacy fund.
Now, I’m not on Tinder so have probably missed the point, but I wouldn’t have thought it had all that much to do with preserving your precious genetics. Maybe I’m wrong.
Maybe there are profiles that run something like “I am a middle aged Botanist whose best friends are a tree named Ralph and a cup named Gerald. I am terribly worried that unless I meet someone very soon, the unique strands of my DNA will be lost to the Universe forever. All responses considered. Frankly, if you’re a bunny boiler (bunnies aren’t plants, after all) or a former cast member of TOWIE, I really don’t feel like I can be choosy.”
One assumes also that people are always looking for a new angle on Tinder. By now, one expects people are used to completely misleading photographs or wildly exaggerated claims about earnings or sexual prowess. You’d nearly expect people to lie, wouldn’t you? It’s almost like there’s something wrong with you if you don’t.
But Sudan, or those seeking to preserve his genetic legacy, may well have stumbled across the greatest Tinder angle of all time. Surely there are people at work right now on variations.
“I am the very last Timelord / Martian / Gary Glitter fan left alive in the Universe. Please think about this: if you don’t swipe right and go on a date with me, you are dooming an entire species to extinction. If you don’t swipe right, it is tantamount to an act of genocide. Are you really that much of a monster? How can you sleep at night? P.S: My turn ons include little models of the TARDIS that make noise and Gary Glitter records.”
It might sound like a particularly cruel and manipulative sell, but is not all fair when it comes to love, war and getting your rocks off, which some people will tell you are all aspects of pretty much the same thing?
The other aspect of the story which piqued my interest was a quote from a spokeswoman for Tinder, who apparently said “we’ve heard countless stories about Tinder babies, but this would be the first match to save a species.”
Really? There are Tinder babies? I wouldn’t have thought Tinder had all that much to do with babies. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong. Are there a lot of Tinder babies out there? What’s that like? Are they, you know, well adjusted and stuff? Someone should be carrying out a study right now.