According to pictures revealed here for the first time, Donald Trump is an alien who somehow travelled back in time to play a bit part in a French science fiction movie named ‘Starcrash.’ A tentacled, free floating head depicted in the movie – made 38 years ago – clearly bears the face of the 45th US President.
The figure floats in sinister, smoky mid-air, passing judgement on the movie’s two main characters, a bushy haired weirdo and a scantily clad woman whom the disembodied head may or may not have sexually harassed, according to experts.
Experts are baffled as to how the President-elect, known simultaneously as the most evil genius and biggest moron on the planet managed this appalling feat of evil. However, one CIA scientician, speaking under conditions of strict anonymity, said he had almost certainly been helped by the Russians. “They are clever, clever bastards,” he pointed out.
According to the expert, the time travel process must have somehow caused Trump’s real physical appearance to reveal itself. Contrary to the carefully controlled images seen on TV in 2017, his true features: lack of a body, enormous head with multiple tentacles, still enormous hair, are there for all to see.
In the scene from the movie, the enormous floating head is seen sentencing the scantily clad heroine to ‘hard labour.’ This is almost certainly code for some form of sexual harassment. “Look at all those tentacles,” one highly respected academic pointed out, “it’s obvious that they are there for one purpose only, to be busy all over the private areas of the scantily clad heroine.”
But why on Earth would the most moronic genius in the history of the world have been drawn to appear in an obscure French movie in the 1970’s? “Partly it would have been arrogance,” explains one critic, “look at me: I’m the greatest person in the world, I can do time travel etc. and I do it so beautifully. But there would have been other things that drew Trump to French cinema.”
She continues “look at all the French movies that are basically about ugly, depraved middle aged men getting their wicked way with nubile young women, under the guise of helping them ‘find themselves,’ whatever that means. You’re talking about pretty much all of French cinema. Of course Trump would have been drawn to it like a fly to butter, even if it meant traversing the very boundaries of time itself, he would have made his way there.”
Sources inside the Democratic Party, and indeed anyone in the world who isn’t a racist sociopathic scumbag, are already calling for an inquiry. “The thing is,” one said, “this is time travel. We don’t know at what point in our reality Trump decided to go back in time to sexually harass French actresses. Maybe he hasn’t actually done it yet. This raises a really important question: is Trump planning to engage in sexual time travel adventures when he’s actually supposed to be the President? We need clarity on this and we need it now.”
Tycoon, time traveller, liar, sociopath, and now President of the United States, it seems there is literally no end to the infamy of which Donald Trump is capable. What next? No one can even guess, although one independent expert suggests he may try and open a temporal rift in the White House, a la whatever they did in Ghostbusters, and allow known associates of his – such as Vlad The Impaler and Rasputin – into the 21st Century. Watch this space!!!
In an incredible oversight by Trump’s cronies, the movie ‘Starcrash’ is still available to watch on YouTube. Rush over there now to find the only proof you will ever need. In a sinister development, the movie also features known actors Christopher Plummer and David Hasselhoff. CIA sources are calling for both men to brought in for questioning, assuming of course that they are still alive.