‘News From The Heart Of Atlantis’


Some European ‘scientist’ recently published a book called ‘Atlantis From A Geographer’s Perspective,’ in which he apparently suggests that the actual location of the mythical lost Continent is right here in dear old Ireland!

Dr Dieter Krank (possibly not his real name) suggests that the dimensions of Atlantis, first described in the Dialogues of Plato, correspond almost exactly to Ireland’s. Plato describes a flat central plain which is surrounded by mountains (Ireland again), and outlines a list of measurements which, when translated into modern notation, bear an uncanny resemblance to Ireland’s vital statistics.

Better still, references in the Dialogues of Plato to an ancient city may in fact be Newgrange in Co. Meath, reputedly the oldest human settlement in Europe. Dr Krank (ok, it isn’t his real name) says he doesn’t intend to publish the book here, because local people don’t always react nicely to such claims, and anyway, they often have their own agendas.

And how! Dr Zoidburger’s book is probably the best news the bigwigs at Bord Failte have had since Brexit almost put them off their foie gras. Mythical kingdoms? Home of the lost continent? Finally, a tourism story which doesn’t involve greedy locals trying to charge fifteen quid for a pint of beer, or now semi-derelict walls of apartments which block out the view of the Atlantic.

Of course, tourism officials are among the very best when it comes to maintaining their sangfroid. Rather than burst into spontaneous raptures of gratitude for the very existence of Dr Gezundheit, they’ll simply sit in their offices pointing out that last year’s tourism figures were simply orgasmic, and this year’s are not yet available. No problem. Sure hasn’t Ireland’s Central Statistics Office just proved conclusively that the economy grew by 547% last year?

Dr Gallbladder is just another milestone in our nation’s unending cavalcade of good luck, good news stories. You can almost see the promos now:

“It was here, in the very heart of Atlantis, that Ruairi Mac Weirdo, Chief High Flasher of the Screaming Monkey Tribe, first planted the mighty Philosopher’s Stone he’d acquired from a Phoenician merchant who’d been unable to afford the nine shekels fifty charged for a pint of mead in the Mid-Atlantis tourist region in 5,000 BC. All of a sudden, the stone sprouted buildings, golf courses, shopping centres and a castle believed to be the oldest structure of any kind anywhere in the world.

“Today, Atlantis remains a semi-mythical kingdom where the locals engage in the most bizarre behaviour imaginable, usually after 9pm on a Friday or Saturday night

“The island of Atlantis sank beneath the sea several times during the economic recessions of the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and 10’s. Now it is back, taking advantage of the economic upturn to charge some truly otherworldly prices. Where else would anyone have the sheer Celtic bravura to charge you five euro for a cup of coffee? But – in spite of 6,000% economic growth last year (confirmed by the CSO and their many friends) – it could submerge again at any moment, so visit now (please please please visit now!!!).

“The Republic of Atlantis claims many wonderful sights. Marvel at the politicians who have eaten from the bark of the tree of forgetfulness and believe they will rule forever. Enjoy the deeply charming hospitality providers, who continue – in defiance of all economic logic – to charge mythical prices for magical, also known as ‘invisible,’ services.

“Boggle at the shopkeepers who will threaten you with a spear if you ask for change. Take a stroll through the laidback, traffic choked streets of Atlantis, where ethereal looking natives greet each other with strange, enigmatic incantations such as ‘wha’ are you lookin’ ah?’ and ‘I’ll break yer feckin’ fay-ace.’

“Oh yes, if someone asks you for a cigarette in Atlantis, it’s probably best to say no. Smoking is illegal in the mythical kingdom, a measure supported by 452% of the population, according to a recent CSO study.

“The lush valleys and sprawling apartment complexes of Atlantis have something to offer everyone. Marvel at how friendly the natives are, particularly if you’re not a greasy young backpacker who looks like he doesn’t have any money.

“If you want to spend your lovely, lovely, lovely money in another dimension, please visit atlantis.ie now.”


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